These tips might help you ‘unbreak’ your heart after losing someone

Suzy Hopkins’ life was suddenly turned upside down.

After 30 years of marriage, her husband unexpectedly left her to get back together with a former girlfriend, who also happened to be a marriage counselor.

Hopkins grappled with a roller coaster of emotions — disbelief, sadness, anger and confusion.

At the time of her husband’s departure, Hopkins was preparing to release her first book, “What To Do When I’m Gone: A Mother’s Wisdom to Her Daughter,” a 2018 collaboration with her daughter, Hallie Bateman, an illustrator and fellow writer whose work has been featured in The New Yorker and The New York Times.

The two decided to turn what was a devasting breakup for Hopkins into a new graphic novel, “What to Do When You Get Dumped: A Guide to Unbreaking Your Heart.” It offers an intimate look into the complex emotions of losing someone who once played a pivotal role in your life.

Through a chronological countdown over the time it took Hopkins to recover, the pair created a heartfelt guide that blends practical advice with humor, helping those on a healing journey to recognize they are worthy of love.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

Suzy Hopkins: In 2018, Hallie and I were preparing to promote our first book together. My husband left about three months before, and I was in a dire state of shock when I thought to myself, “God, I ought to be writing a book about what to do when you get dumped.” Some time passed, and Hallie bought me a tarot reading as a present. The reader described the book I imagined almost to a T.

I started interviewing strangers about what they learned from going through a breakup, and it struck me that people really understood what I was going through and plenty of others must be experiencing the same thing. I began to write as an exercise for getting through the grief. After I started writing, the feelings hurt so much, but it ended up being a pathway through it.

Hopkins: It was very hard and painful. I’m a lifelong journalist, reporter and editor, but my big hope is that this (book) is helpful to somebody else. There were a lot of tears along the way because to process and put my experience in writing — even though I used humor — is painful.

I considered whether I wanted to dwell on the breakup and what it would take to get through writing the book. Then Hallie introduced the idea of using illustrations, and we began to develop the idea and fine-tune it.

Hallie Bateman: It was a really emotional experience for both of us. My dad is the person who left my mom, which put me in an odd position. But at the same time, it felt natural to work on this project with my mom.

Bateman: We talk about the grief of losing someone (who dies), and it’s understood why a person is so devastated. There’s not as much acknowledgment of the validity and seriousness of grieving the loss of a relationship. For me, this book is all about legitimizing those feelings of grief, whether you’re a child of separated parents or close with someone who’s experiencing loss.

I’ve also been heartbroken for years at a time. I’m in my 30s now and happily married, but the pain of past relationships never fully goes away. For anyone who has been heartbroken, there is real value in exploring what grief looks like.

Hopkins: A lot of people I interviewed for the book also went through really significant breakups and believe they shouldn’t be sad anymore. There’s so much pressure to get over a breakup or to find someone new to help you get over those feelings. People tend to suppress their emotions, which isn’t productive. When my husband left, I checked myself into therapy and knew I wasn’t going to do well. A lot of people are in similar situations and have decades of unprocessed grief.

Hopkins: People underestimate the grief that accompanies a breakup and how long it could take to accept it. When I got divorced, I finally understood all the pain that my friends went through, and I realized I had been a bad friend because I thought so many marriages just fell by the wayside.

I did not afford people who were dealing with heartbreak the same kind of respect that I would now. I’m at the age where some of my friends’ husbands are dying. It’s not the same, but there are some parallels of grief about losing someone. It’s important to be patient with these people, especially if you can’t relate to them directly.

Hopkins: I hope this book brings some joy. I was 58 when my husband left, and I’m 65 now. My whole world was this one person, and I have never felt as alone as I did when my world went away. It can be hard to find people who will tolerate listening to you mourn the loss of your relationship. People get tired of it.

I think sitting in a dark room with a book that doesn’t judge you will help people feel less alone. I just wanted a road map that could help me get out of the deep grief I was in, and helping someone else with that would be my biggest reward.

Bateman: I think about the book’s dedication that my mom wrote, which says, “If you need a thread of hope to mend a tattered heart, this book is for you.” I hope that readers walk away with hope and feel encouraged to move forward. The book is about grief, but we worked hard to bring a lot of humor into the book. You have to find ways to laugh about and bring warmth to something so hard to process. I love the playful shifting of perspective that may bring relief to someone with a broken heart.

Hopkins: In my marriage, I felt like I was part of a two-person entity. Once my husband was gone, I suddenly felt like I was just half of myself. What I learned along the way is that this life is mine to shape and that it can be hard when you’ve been in a partnership. It’s up to you to find your path. I did exactly what I said in the book. I walked in circles for a few years. You have to give yourself lots of compassion, time and grace to get to the point where you are able to do that.

Bateman: When your world implodes and you have to pick up the pieces, you wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. But the lesson that I’ve taken from this book is that we’re so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and it’s been transformative for me to have this thread of hope in my mom’s journey after the divorce. To see my mom turn her grief into something so funny, gorgeous and personal is inspiring. I think our message is that something beautiful can be born from incredible pain. I really think it can help people unbreak some hearts.